Friday, September 18, 2009

You Forget the Pain of Childbirth...who are we kidding?

How many times have you heard, "Don't worry, you'll forget the pain of childbirth." Ummm, hello. Not so much. I remember exactly the kind of pain I had while giving life to a new creature with my first child.

I was not naive to the pain of childbirth while pregnant with my 2nd offspring. I knew that when the time came, and it would, that I would much prefer a fork in the eye to pushing out an 8lb baby. I was scared.

Labor started the night before. I was being induced just like I had with my first child. I'm a rip the band-aid off kinda girl. Let's just get this done. So we arrived at the hospital. This time my bag was packed with realistic items. With my first child I actually packed size small pajama's to wear after I gave birth. Was I really that naive. You know, I couldn't even fit my leg into those pj's after giving birth. Did I really think I was immediately going to return to my normal size once the baby was born? Apparently I did. This time I went all in and packed XL maternity pj's.

The nurses did their thing as did my husband, going right to sleep on the fold out bed. About 2 hrs in I was already feeling some pretty heavy contractions. I tried to brave through it. I'm a suffer in silence type. I would have been able to do it too if my husband hadn't been snoring sooooo LOUDLY beside me. I remember laying there in bed not being able to move with all the gadgets hooked up to me. Not being able to put an elbow in my husband's back as I usually did when he snored. It was like Chinese Torture sitting there listening to the snores. I kid you not, I compared it to being trapped in a cage with a dripping faucet. Mind Torture. I did what any woman would do. Threw whatever I could reach and aimed it at his head. Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful as he just grabbed the pillow I had launched and used it to cushion his head. And then I just missed my pillow.

By the time morning arrived I was looking like a soldier in battle. Tears hadn't come yet. I was still determined to keep my wits about me. Stay the course. After dilating to a 6 I finally spoke out and said, "It's time for the epidural please." Ever polite. I am a little crazy when it comes to "public" behavior. Always reminding myself that people will respond better if I'm nice to them. Maybe I'll try and tell a couple of jokes to get these people on my side. Yeah, that's it. I'll win them over with my charm and become their favorite patient. Yeah, that's it, that's what I'll do. That lasted for all of 5 minutes.

The epidural didn't work yet again. It happened with my first child. Why didn't I prepare for this? Did I really think it was a fluke the first time? I have scoliosis where my spine makes a wicked S. Thus making it very difficult to get the needle in straight. What does that give you, only half of your body half numb. 4 more hours passed. 2 more epidural attempts were made. I had to lay in a certain position on my side for hours. I can't remember why exactly,..something about the baby. I'm sure it was important. That in itself is torture. When everything in your body is telling you to get up and move but you can't. You can't because you have electronic gadgets coming out of your yoowho. I clicked and clicked the epidural button hoping for any kind of relief. All it did was numb my left leg. Numb it so much that now the leg was miserably stiff and I had to be moved like people trying to lift an elephant.

I had the most fantastic nurse. The one and only reason I made it through the battle. I remember laying there saying crazy things. Things like, "Jesus take me. For the love of God please someone help me. For everything holy in this world, end it. End it now." My husband heard my gibberish and went to grab the nurse. They came to find that I had used all the medicine in the epidural and needed to change the pump.

That damn pump. The pump that I worked for via 3 epidural attempts. The pump was stuck and the nurse couldn't get it open. I heard her grunting as she tried to pry it open. Next thing I knew she handed my husband a wrench. Yes, I said WRENCH. I couldn't believe my eyes. This was what I was suppose to rely on? My husband and his tool belt? At this point I knew it was all me. I was doing this alone. I started yelling, "Forget the bleeping pump. This baby is coming. The baby is coming now. I'm going to push whether or not you guys are ready so someone better catch the baby,...and I did. Started pushing.

Finally the doctor came in. Of course what did I say to her,..."Hi Dr, how are you?" Her reply, "Well, not as good as you." WTH,..did I just hear you say that? Surely you didn't. Not as good as me? I'm strapped like a prisoner to a bed with a baby crashing down my vagina and a husband next to me with a wrench and you think I'm the one having a better day? Now of course I said all of this only in my head. My response to her was a smile. Yes, I'm crazy.

Baby boy came out shoulder to shoulder. He didn't come out the conventional way of one shoulder at a time. Apparently he was ready to get the hell out of there too. I didn't care about the pain. I just wanted to do what I had to do to end this 15 hour torture trip.

The good news is baby boy was of course well worth it. But forget the pain, never.

20 comments:

  1. You are so polite...you must be Southern. We Southerners are always polite. Ha! Funny story now, but not so funny then, I'll bet. It's a good thing newborn babies are so cute, huh? Otherwise, we'd be likely to throw them as far as we're able. Ha!

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  2. Funny Janie. Maybe throw them at the husband who is snoring!

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  3. Not only do we not forget the pain, but we usually put ourselves through it more then once! Myself 3 times, All for that beautiful baby in the end. LOL, for my first baby I packed clothes that I would have worn at 5 months pregnant - as my What to expect when expecting pregnancy book instructed me to do. What a load of crap. My sister in law had to bring me some I just worn these last week maternity clothes so I could come home from the hospital!
    Cheryl

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  4. I was polite to my nurses too. They lauged about it. Who knew you didn't have to be polite!? Lol. I agree- I haven't forgotten the pain.

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  5. Great story, and your so right I will never forget the pain. With my first baby the epidural guy got lost.. LOST or so they told me at the time I know now that when I wanted it done it was to late and the cord was wrapped around her neck so they just wanted to get her out. Lucky for me she was out fast. My second child once again no epidural because my son was 3 weeks early and taking FOREVER to come they said the epidural would slow down my labor and my husband said he did not have time to wait around.. he was in the middle of Silage season and needed to get back to work.. Do not mind that I was in pain. So instead of epidural they broke my water to make it faster.. Faster yes but 10 times more pain. Third child I ended up c-section best part I did not feel a thing but recovery sucked big time.... All three I will never forget the pain but the pain was so worth it get my three beautiful kids.

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  6. Ohhh, hugs to you. I wanted to let you know about Hypnobabies a hypnosis for childbirth program. Hypnosis can help you stay more comfortable, even without an epidural (since they don't seem to work for you)
    http://hypnobabies.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/teeth-and-birth/

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  7. We seem to have so much in common (although I was not nice to my nurses)! My epidurals didn't work either, although no one could figure out why. I had three of them and all they did was numb my legs so I couldn't move. They did absolutely nothing for the pain. Two different anesthesiologists came in and no one had a clue.

    Then, after 17 hours of labor, I was still only dilated to a 6 and my son's head was stuck in the birth canal, so I yelled for a c-section immediately. I couldn't take the pain anymore. I was screaming at nurses, writhing on the bed in agony like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. It was horrible and I will never forget it, although I am willing to do it again, even though recovering from a c-section is nothing I care to go through ever again. Ah, well.

    And my husband fell asleep too. Wanted to push him out if his chair.

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  8. This was in Great. I really needed this laugh toady.

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  9. I just happen to read your comments on another post and laughed so hard I had to come check out your blog. Glad I did, love your blog, I am now following you!

    It is so true, you never forget the pain. I can still remember my experience with my first born like it was yesterday and it's been six and half years! The other two were much easier because I opted to do scheduled c-sections with them. Although, with my third baby, I did go into active labor the day before my c-section was scheduled.
    Needless to say we are happy with 3, and there will no more for us!

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  10. I laughed so hard reading this and remembering my experiences also!! My first child I went without any painkiller (the nurses were all talking and saying how crazy I was) Well I was terrified of the needle (stupid ~ I know!) But I went 15 hours of torture to find out I needed to have a C-section (ended up getting that huge needle in my back anyways!!) My second child I begged for an epidural immediately!! I continued pressing the button to relieve the pain until it was time to push and my legs were completely numb!! My doctor came in with his cup of coffee and talked about the football draft going on at that very moment:( I had to keep interupting them to tell them there was a baby coming!! Oh and my entire family ate all of the lollipops I brought for myself (suggestion from lamaze class instructor) When I needed them...they were gone!

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  11. Oh, love your heart. I had 3 c-sections, the first one was an emergency so I was put asleep. The next two I had to have the wonderful spinal stuck in my back. I also have some back issues where my discs are close together where they need to put those wonderful needles. I remember the first time they were trying to put that needle in, I screamed bloody murder because half my body felt like it was on fire. They actually told me to try to be quiet because my husband can hear me outside the doors....ummm....I could care less who could hear me, especially him! Some of the things they tell ya in the hospital truly baffle me! Anyhoo, thank you so much for sharing, love the part where you just smiled at the doc, lol.

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  13. Let's try this again...Great story Michelle. I too packed small pajamas as if I would lose the fourty pounds I gained in 9 months, in two days. With my second child, Ava (great minds hun?) I packed those silly pjs with the nursing flaps.

    P.S. I also enjoyed your blog about blogging:)

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  14. I'll never forget the pain either. I only had 1 child & that's why. Right after she came out, I told my hubby that I wouldn't do it again.

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  15. I had a very long first labor 35 hours. Second one was about 5 hours. Had a big fight with nurse from first delivery. She was extremely rude to me, wouldn't look at me or speak to me! Thanks for sharing your story. You should try to get it published.

    Christina from Mom Blogger's Club

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  16. Ok I have to tell you - you make me laugh outloud. Maybe because I relate to being over polite...all while wondering what the heck are these people doing/thinking?

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  17. Aaaah forget the pain? No way. Forget the snoring? NEVER! I think I would almost rather be in labor than listen to snoring all night - seriously, it drives me up a wall and I have a pretty high pain tolerance so I think I could deal. LOL

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  18. That was a great post! Brought back all kinds of memories for me, too. Like, when I had to have an emergency C-section with my first, they didn't knock me out, but they amped up my epidural like crazy. Then the doctor said, "OK, Beth, now we're going to make the incision and get your baby out of there", and I realized I could still feel my feet. I could tell that I only had one sock on, so I started yelling, "I can still feel my feet! Does anybody think it's a problem that I can still feel my feet? DON'T CUT ME!" like a crazy woman. Meanwhile, they were cutting already, and I couldn't feel it. And men think they're so tough! Try childbirth, fellas. Then talk to us about being tough. Cheers!

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  19. When you have a chance drop by my blog I have an award for you!

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  20. I would agree.......you don't forget......I went through 32 hours and then a c section.......and I have quite the story now!
    I think one of the hardest things was not knowing when it would end.....I knew it would end, which was fine, but just not knowing if it would take a few more hours or days!...lol....
    But since the outcome was my sweet little TigerBoy, I'm looking forward to doing it again!

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